Not A Chance In Hell
by cdngirleh
Summary: James Horton deals with damnation, while Kronos climbs the hellacious corporate ladder.


DISCLAIMER: All the Highlander characters belong to D/PP, Rysher, Gaumont, et. al., I'm just borrowing them for a bit. I'm merely a poor, starving student, not making any profit on this. 

SUMMARY: James Horton deals with damnation, while Kronos climbs the hellacious corporate ladder. 

This was a Clan MacBeta Lyric Wheel Challenge response, sprung from lyrics sent to me by the gracious Teresa Coffman, found at the end. Many thanks are due to siva MacMINT, who provided me with an utterly corrupted muse and an ending, and to HonorH for doing a bang-up job of beta-reading this. You really shouldn't take me seriously on this, it's just a wee bit 'o fun, nothing more. Feedback, always greatly appreciated, can be sent to cdngirleh@bigfoot.com 

-=-=-=-=-=-=-   
Not a Chance in Hell   
by Canadian Girl   
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It was an especially glorious day in Hell; the imps working the reception desk had discovered yet another set of paperwork for the new damned souls to fill out, and now the line of incoming murders, rapists, and politicians crawled along at a slothful pace that would bring a tear of joy to the eyes of DMV workers everywhere. As an added bonus, the cold, watery coffee seemed colder and more watery, the harsh florescent lights flickered with increased schizophrenic twitch, and the piped-in muzak was even tinnier and more incessant than usual. 

All of this brought a smile to Satan's face as he surveyed his domain from his office window. He flicked a piece of lint off the lapel of his otherwise impeccable three-piece, pinstriped business suit, and turned from the window to face his assistant. 

"Kronos, m'boy," Lucifer said, "where are my messages?" Kronos pulled a stack of pink slips from the pocket of his leather jacket and began to read them aloud. 

"The computer division called; they've completed their glitches for the new version of Windows ahead of schedule, and they need you to sign off on it before they send somebody to Seattle with it." Lucifer nodded, and Kronos moved on to the next message. "Food services needs to discuss their budget with you; apparently, they ran over cost developing their last line of high school food, and they need an advance before they can begin work on the summer camp menus." Satan made a note of this in his day-planner. 

"Lastly, that damn fool Horton's bellowing to see you again. I know you said to disregard it, but it's the fifth time this week..." Kronos trailed off. 

Satan gave a longsuffering sigh. "Doesn't the man know we have a complaints department so I don't have to look after these things personally? Fine, let's go see what he's bitching about now, shall we?" He snapped his fingers, and he and Kronos where instantly transported from the sumptuous executive suite to a large, bustling mailroom. A path cleared in front of the Lord of Darkness as he strode through the rows of desks, clerks and secretaries scurrying out of his way. Kronos followed in his wake, humming "The Girl From Ipanema" under his breath along with the Muzak. He almost slammed into his boss's back as Satan stopped short in front of one of the desks, where James Horton sat amid a mountain of papers. 

"What's your major malfunction now, James?" the Devil growled. "I mean, if you aren't griping about the coffee, or the Muzak, it's the temperature, or the company..." He waved a hand in the direction of the surrounding desks, where an assortment of K'Immies contended with piles of paperwork comparable to what sat on Horton's desk. Kalas shot the Watcher an evil glare before going back to his work, and Kanis made a rude gesture before doing likewise. 

Horton's eyes narrowed with distaste. "As much as I detest working amid these.. aberrations of nature..." he began, "my complaint is in the work itself. Even just the sheer amount of it! I just barely complete one stack of it, and another arises!" As if to illustrate Horton's point, an office boy wheeled his cart, heaped with papers, up to Horton's desk; before his untimely demise, he had been one of the senior Hunters, but he was now damned to an eternity of being a lowly office gopher. He heaved a stack of work off the cart, grumbling all the while. 

"'They're abominations', he says. 'Do it in the name of Heaven' he says,'" the ex-Hunter griped. "Name of Heaven, indeed! I wished you would've told me you'd made a deal with the devil before I got run through by one of your 'abominations', Horton!" 

Satan scoffed, "C'mon, surely you didn't think that somebody who was *that* hard to kill was working on the side God, did you?" He laughed. Kronos, who had always disliked being called an abomination, tripped the office boy and watched gleefully as he and his stack of papers went flying. 

"Ahem." Horton cleared his throat. "As I was saying, this work is utterly demeaning for somebody of my status!" 

"Oh quit your whining, Horton! It can't be *that* bad!" Kronos sneered. He snatched one of the sheets that the ex-Hunter had dropped as it floated through the air. He scanned the page and burst out laughing. "Oh really...I mean...this is too funny!" He began to read the page out loud in between bursts of laughter. "'Methos looked deep into Karista's sparkling violet eyes, and felt passion stirring deep within himself.'" Kronos could barely suppress his amusement now. "'He had been without a woman for so very long, had never thought that he could love another woman after Alexa. But he loved this woman, who had restored his friendship with Macleod, after the hideous revelation of his bloody past life, had and given him a reason to live again.'" It was all Kronos could do to keep from falling over in his humour. Horton glared at him. 

"Do you see now? It *is* that bad!" Horton cried. "I'll clean out the sulfur pits, walk behind the horses in the perpetual Hell parade, anything but ... but ...*fanfiction*!" He spat out the word in disgust and knocked over a pile of papers as he waved his hands around. "Page after page of the escapades of immortals, in the purplest prose possible. I can't take it anymore, I think I'm going to lose my mind!" 

"Come on, James, we all know you already lost your marbles a long time ago," Satan said. "A deal's a deal. You wanted to ax MacLeod, and I gave you the means to do it, in exchange for your mortal soul. It's not my fault you dropped the ball. I'm just doing my job, inflicting the most possible suffering on you." He shrugged. "There are some people who actually enjoy reading this stuff." Horton shuddered. "Hey, this is just the bottom of the barrel stuff. Most fanfiction is actually pretty good, but this is *hell*, in case you forgot. Nothing but the worst for you." Lucifer got up from leaning on Horton's desk. "C'mon, there is certain irony in it all; after all, how much of this MacLeod angst came about as a result of your hunting? Now, buck up for now, and maybe you'll be up for a promotion in a few millennia." 

"If we hurry, there's still time to catch a few quarters of the Green Bay game before your one o'clock war council," Kronos interjected. 

"Excellent! I have a bit of a vested interest in those boys, you know," Satan said. Kronos raised an eyebrow. "What?" the Devil responded. "You should know by now that nobody's that good..." 

"...Without selling their souls." Kronos finished. Satan laughed appreciatively and snapped his fingers, transporting himself and Kronos off to watch the game, leaving Horton to his eternal punishment. 

-=-=-=-=-=-=-   
"One Tin Soldier" by Coven 

Listen children to a story that was written long ago   
'Bout a kingdom on a mountain and the valley folk below   
On the mountain was a treasure buried deep beneath a stone   
And the valley people swore they'd have it for their very own 

CHORUS:   
Go ahead and hate your neighbor, go ahead and cheat a friend   
Do it in the name of heaven, justify it in the end   
There won't be any trumpets blowing, come the judgment day   
On the bloody morning after   
One tin soldier rides away. 

So the people of the valley sent a message up the hill   
Asking for the buried treasure tons of gold for which they'd kill   
Came an answer from the kingdom "With our brothers we will share   
All the secrets of our mountain, all the riches buried there." 

CHORUS 

Now the valley cried with anger, mount your horses, draw your sword   
And they killed the mountain people so the won their just reward   
Now they stood beside the treasure on the mountain, dark and red   
Turned the stone and looked beneath it, "Peace on Earth" was all it said. 

CHORUS 

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Line used: "Do it in the name of heaven"   
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End file.
